Artwork courtesy of local third grade students.
If there was one word to describe 2025, it has to be AI.
Artificial intelligence was the third-most talked about subject this year after the Coldplay Kiss-Cam incident and that 6-7 internet meme.
Is AI a game-changing tool that will greatly enhance our lives by making workflow more efficient, or is it the beginning of the end of humanity as heralded by films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and WALL-E?
But the most pressing question is undoubtedly this: What does AI think about Christmas?
We understand AI writing tools can often generate inaccurate information, misinterpret cultural references and lack important context while sounding less than human.
Surely it can’t be that bad, can it? Let’s find out.
AI, do your thing.
Want to enjoy the most wonderful time of the year? Try these 5 suggestions for making the most merry.
1. Use mistletoe responsibly.
Standing under the mistletoe is a fun holiday tradition, at least for guys who say things like, “Come on, it’s just one little kiss. Where’s your Christmas spirit?” These toxic, obligate hemiparasitic plants attach to trees and extract water and nutrients from its host. What could be more romantic?
This Christmas, instead of risking injury shimmying up a tree to cut a sprig of mistletoe, try giving your special someone a mutual-consent side hug in front of a Christmas cactus. Have your fruitcake-flavored lip balm ready!
2. Make a gingerbread house.
Who hasn’t wondered what their domicile would taste like? (Why should termites have all the fun?) Clearly it’s impossible to eat your house, as there would be way too much leftovers to finish off before it spoiled.
Instead, try building a house out of gingerbread, hard candy, gum drops and frosted icing. Not only will it result in a smaller portion size, but also a slightly-more-edible version of home-sweet-home.
Pro tip: Don’t forget to apply for the proper building permits from your local government entity before beginning construction!
3. Write out a list.
By the end of the year, many people have accumulated quite a long list of those who have wronged them in the preceding 12 months along with notes of how they’d like to take their sweet, sweet revenge.
For a holiday change up, why not create a wish list instead? The perfect way to push your simmering rage deep down inside is to make a list of all the gifts you’d love to receive this Christmas, such as a realistic-looking rubber snake that fits snuggly in the desk drawer of Randy in accounting along with a note that says “The NEXT ONE will be REAL.” That is likely to make him think twice the next time he tries to take your parking spot at the office.
4. Watch a Christmas classic like “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
Are you nostalgic for a time when it was socially acceptable to poke fun at a caribou for a nasal blemish, only to find out you can exploit said blemish to help you out of a weather-related jam? This 1964 Rankin/Bass stop-motion holiday classic features all that plus a quiet quitting elf with dental school dreams, a bearded prospector with a pickaxe-licking compulsion, and a winged Lion King who hordes factory-defect toys at his remote island home.
Bonus fun fact: The show’s snowman narrator had been accused of having communist sympathies and was blacklisted during the Red Scare of the 1950s, which likely led to Santa granting him political asylum at the North Pole.
5. Host an ugly sweater contest.
Perspiring is nothing to be embarrassed about — in fact, you can turn it into a fun, yuletide activity among friends or coworkers as they vie for the coveted title of “ugliest sweater.”
Pop in an old VHS copy of “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” and you’ll be drenched in holiday cheer in no time. Or try wearing some tacky, holiday-themed shirts knitted with wool while performing the Russian Dance scene from Act II of The Nutcracker ballet.
You’ll be glistening like that Christmas ham faster than you can say, “Can somebody call an ambulance? It was fun at first, but now I think I’m going to pass out in the manger scene. Randy, I’m sorry about the fake snake — now, will you PLEASE get me some water? For flocked trees’ sake, who thought it was a good idea to hold this ugly sweater contest right in front of a roaring fireplace?”
Who? Why, AI, of course.
Happy human holidays from your future overlords!
*Editor’s note: We regret to report that “artificial intelligence” was not actually used to write this article, which was instead concocted from “average intelligence” of a human reporter with an apparent grudge against AI writing tools. For more “non-AI-written” holiday reading, check out our Holiday Greetings special section in this issue, featuring the creative writing talents of local third graders.
Loading Comments