Judy McCandless’ wheelchair sits folded up under a window looking into the back pasture where her horse, Sugar, grazes. McCandless said she wants her ashes spread in that pasture.

Falcon passes in front of a window in her living room.

McCandless’ partner, Kathy Falcon, does something that grief counselors say is a healthy part of the grieving process – crying.

Falcon was surprised to receive a letter, below right, that was written by McCandless. The letter was received a week after McCandless’ death.

Life’s final journey

by Brian Knox

Grief.

For those left behind after a loved one dies, grieving is the most difficult part of the dying process.

If you are a husband, wife or partner, it can be especially difficult.

Kathy Falcon is coming to terms with a new reality – one that doesn’t include the physical presence of her partner, Judy McCandless.

It has been two-and-half weeks since McCandless died at their home near Decatur after a five-year battle with ovarian cancer.

Falcon has received much support from family and friends during this difficult time.

She has even gotten help from McCandless herself.

Last week, Falcon went about the sometimes mundane tasks of life. Checking her mailbox, she found the usual credit card offers and advertisements.

But there was something else in the stack – an envelope with a return address of “Heavenly Home.”

Falcon wasn’t sure what it meant, until she opened it.

Inside was a card. What was written inside left her in tears.

It was a letter from McCandless.

“If you have received this letter, that means I have gone home ... ,” the letter read.

McCandless went on to say how much she appreciated the love and care Falcon gave her during their three years together, and she included a disk with photos of her outside their home.

It was McCandless’ way of helping Falcon through the grieving process.

It’s the little things she misses. The phone calls to the house to check on McCandless. Having McCandless there to open the gate when she gets home from work. Watching television together.

“My routine has changed,” Falcon said. “Judy loved to watch ‘Wheel of Fortune’, so we used to watch it every night. I can’t do that anymore. I spend most of my time outside.”

Falcon returned to work as a physical therapist this past week. She is working five days now instead of four.

Even a task like ironing her scrubs reminds her of McCandless.

“Judy liked to iron,” she said. “The last week I worked, she sat in the chair and ironed my scrubs.”

Close friend Carol Stone can identify with what Falcon is going through. Stone lost her husband 17 years ago. Now she works as a bereavement coordinator for a hospice in Denton helping people through the grieving process.

“The more you loved that person, the deeper you are going to grieve,” she said. “That is the only way I can connect it.”

In cases like McCandless’, the grieving process starts long before the actual death.

“I think the grieving process begins with the terminal diagnosis,” Stone said.

And there are no rules as to when the grieving process ends. For some, it never does.

Stone said that, even though our society seems to teach us to move on quickly when we experience setbacks in our lives, grieving is a natural, healthy process.

And it is OK to cry, even for men.

“The chemical makeup of our tears when we are in grief has a different chemical makeup than if we cut our finger,” Stone said. “Our bodies are meant to grieve.”

Stone said that, in some ways, we live in a “death-defying” age.

“Our society doesn’t talk about (death),” she said. “It doesn’t give us the time to recuperate.”

Death, it seems, is a taboo subject.

“I think it is tapping into feelings – not knowing what to say or do,” Stone said. “We are in an instantaneous, fix-it world. If there is something we need, we can go on the computer and find it. You can’t do that with your emotions.

“I don’t think there is any other time in your life when you are physically, psychologically and emotionally wrenched like you are when you lose a loved one.”

In many cases, a grieving person is avoided by friends and co-workers for a time immediately after a person’s death.

Danny Mack, a chaplain for Ann’s Haven in Denton, said it is partially out of fear.

“Their (the friend’s or co-worker’s ) worst fear has come to be realized by the grieving person,” Mack said. “I think subconsciously they are avoiding the grieving person because they don’t want to (consider) the fact it could happen to them.”

Mack said that his job as a chaplain is to be a companion to those who have experienced great loss. He said you can’t talk about death, dying and grieving without talking about spirituality.

“With grieving, it either affirms what they already believe or it causes them to redefine what they believe,” he said. “Some people may believe that God heals everybody. They pray for someone to be healed, and then they are not healed. They have to redefine that belief.

“Some people believe if you are a good person, you won’t suffer. And then they see people they love suffering, or they are suffering from their grief. Religious, goal-oriented, achievement people have a difficult time with grief because they’ve always been able to tap into their spirituality or their goal-setting or achievement way of life, and none of that works.”

Perhaps the most difficult part for those who have lost a loved one is adjusting to a new routine that does not include the loved one’s physical presence.

“I tell people if you can accomplish one good thing a day you are doing good for the first six months,” she said. “If you can accomplish one task a day, then you are working through that.”

Stone said the first year is always the hardest. It is filled with anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and other special dates. But even though that person is gone, Stone said that doesn’t mean he or she can’t be a part of the lives of the survivors. She suggested setting a place at the table for the dead loved one or placing a candle in his or her spot.

“Everybody will know the person is missing that year. So why ignore the big elephant in the room? Everybody share a special memory, and then go on and celebrate the holiday or birthday,” she said.

Stone said that after a loved one dies, those close to them often express regrets. “If only I had done this,” or “We never got to do this,” are common sentiments.

Falcon sometimes wonders if she should have done things differently.

“I look back and say what if .. she didn’t need the pain medicine?” Falcon said. “Hospice has said it’s not the pain medicine, it was the cancer that killed her. ... I have to remind myself that it was the disease that killed her, nothing else.”

Her only regret is that she never got to take McCandless on a train ride, something McCandless had always wanted to do.

One day, Falcon may take McCandless’ ashes on that train ride.

For now, the ashes are put away. Eventually, they will be spread in the back pasture behind the home, but not until Falcon is ready.

Grieving is a healing process, Stone explained, and there is still much healing to do.