In Week 11 of the NFL, the Bengals and the Eagles tied, 13-13. That’s right, they tied. The National Football League, maybe the greatest sporting business in the world, allowed a game to finish with no winner. Why? Simple, television. Games can’t be going long because they will run into the other games scheduled after them! Stupid.

The media is all over Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb for his post-game comments regarding the tie. McNabb said he didn’t realize the game would end after one OT. Then he questioned what would happen in a playoff game or the Super Bowl. OK, the second statement was pretty unintelligent, but who cares about that? This is football, not Mensa.

It is ridiculous the criticism McNabb is receiving for not know about the tie rule in football. Do you think ANY player in ANY profession league or association knows even close to all the rules? No, because if they did, you wouldn’t need refs. For someone like Tiki Barber to call McNabb’s lack of knowledge “indefensible” is moronic. Barber says that McNabb should have had more urgency in the final drive…well, if he wasn’t being urgent enough, where was Head Coach Andy Reid to hurry him along and say “Hey, we need to score or it’s a tie”?

Tiki, since you never played QB, and never had the responsibility of directing a game-winning drive EVER, I’m sure you know how easy it is to remember an obscure rule in OT after taking hits all game.

The last tie game was in 2002. There have only been 17 in 34 years. No exactly a rule that is in everyone’s face. I’ll bet if you put most players and many sports writers on the spot, they would struggle to remember what the rule is.

Regardless of all of that, the really problem is the rule itself. It is stupid. Ridiculous. Out-dated. Stubborn. There isn’t a single other professional OR college or high school major sport that allows for a tie. NOT ONE. Even hockey did away with ties a few years ago, although their records and standings are slightly different regarding OT. Basketball? No way. Texas A&M and Baylor went into 5OT last year in College Station. Baseball. Maybe, but those would be on account of weather or other outlandish circumstances, and the MLB allows for make-up games, plus they play 162, so one tie doesn’t hurt much. Oh, wait, there is soccer. The MLS allows for ties. Congrats, NFL, you can be directly linked to the MLS.

Roger Goodell, or whomever can make this call, change the rule! Come on! This is stupid! I know you won’t go to the NCAA system because you don’t want to be a follower and all, but ties are ridiculous. What happens if, lets say, the Eagles finish at 10-5-1 and the Cowboys finish at 10-6, both tied for the wildcard spot. Who gets it?

I don’t know the rule, but I bet it would go to the Cowboys. Initially, you would think, thats right, because the Eagles tied and could have lost. But then, that means you are basically counting a tie as a loss, so why have ties? If thats the case, then 2 out of 3 results in any NFL game result in a “loss.” Again, ridiculous. But you couldn’t give the nod to the Eagles, because then you are saying that a tie really is a win. For a third time, ridiculous.

NFL, get your act together. Don’t blame players for not knowing stupid rules that never apply in ANY OTHER SPORT they have ever played. Get this fixed. You are an embarrassment.

October 28, 2008

SOUTH BEND, IN — Mere hours after their win over a pitiful Purdue team in South Bend, Notre Dame officials rushed to the BCS to ink a new deal, one that would bring them even more TV coverage, money and a spot in a BCS bowl.

The deal, while still being finalized, will apparently give Notre Dame prime time coverage every week — the 7 p.m. time slot on ABC — due to their superior fan base and phenomenal football prowess.

“I mean, come on, we are [expletive] Notre Dame,” said Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick. “As far as we, and the BCS committee, is concerned, there really is no reason for any other team to be televised, unless they are playing us.”

Other reported stipulations in the deal including turning over most of the powers of the BCS to Swarbrick and giving Notre Dame an automatic BCS bowl bid if they finish their season.

“We tried vying for National Championship rights, but decided to wait a year or so to increase the size of our stadium to accommodate more fans when the MNC’s start being played in South Bend,” Swarbrick said.

When asked how this would affect his coaching, head football coach Charlie Weis said this:

“To be honest, it’s a relief. With Brady Quinn gone, I really lost all interest in coaching. I just kinda stand on the sidelines in a drunken daze. My headphones play Jewel CDs…I might as well just phone the games in. Now, I can spend all season prepping for a MNC.”

On Monday, Swarbrick issued a statement addressing concerns regarding the unfair advantage Notre Dame now has over all other teams.

“We are God’s team, people. God’s team. How can anyone questions that? And no, we are not joining the Pac 10 or the Big 10.”

Alright, Pac-10 and Big 10 conferences, I am officially calling you out. It is time that someone points the finger at both of you for all the problems you have caused with the BCS and the decision as to who gets to play for the national championship.

Let’s forget, for the moment, that this year the Pac-10 and Big 10 are extremely weak, especially the Pac-10, and that running the table in the Pac-10 just isn’t that impressive unless you aren’t USC (meaning you beat USC in the process), AND that you can’t run the table in the Big 10 because you actually don’t play everyone, so there could technically be two undefeated teams from the Big 10 at the end of the season. Let’s forget all of that for now.

So, Pac-10 and Big 10, listen up, for I am calling you out and claiming your eternal subordination to the other major conferences (Big 12, SEC, ACC and Big East) as long as a change isn’t made. My proposed change: HAVE A CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP.

How can USC, Penn State, Ohio State, Michigan, Wisconsin or even Notre Dame EVER claim to be the best or second best team in the county when they play one game less than the other conference winners? Let’s use this year for example: say Texas, Penn State and Alabama all run the table and finish with no losses. Texas and Alabama should play for the MNC (which they would, because Penn State started the season out ranked too low to crack the top two.)

But lets say that a Big 12 north team also goes undefeated, lets say Missouri (can’t happen this year, but it could in the future) and then looses to Texas in the Big 12 Championship. Penn State would be ranked above Missouri at the end of the season.

But wait, why? “Oh, well because Penn State went 12-0 and Missouri went 12-1.” Yeah, but after 12 games, Missouri and Penn State had the same record, but you penalize the Tigers because the played an extra game, probably against a Top 10 or Top 5 team, that Penn State wouldn’t play?

That is wrong. The BCS should not punish the teams in the conferences that actually have the balls to play a conference championship.

That happened to Auburn a few years ago (2004). They went undefeated, won their conference championship, and were snuffed out of a chance to play for the MNC because USC went 12-0. Auburn went 13-0, beating No. 10 Georgia in the SEC championship. You mean to tell me that USC, who plays in the cream-puff Pac-10 AND only 12 games, did more to deserve the chance at a MNC than the Tigers? No, I don’t think they did.

So tell me, Pete Carroll, Joe-Pa, Jim Tressel, Rich Rodriguez, Charlie Weis, why won’t you play a conference championship? Maybe it’s not your decision, well then demand that your conference leader make it so, and Notre Dame, join a damn conference for goodness sake!

Having all six major conferences playing the same amount of games would take much of the controversy out of the BCS. Not all, but some.

What is going on with the Dallas Cowboys? In the past two weeks, they lost by two points to the Washington Redskins, and then went out and beat the Bengals by a margin not deemed “exciting”. TO is crying on the sidelines, Wade Phillips is defending his players, causing the Dallas media to claim him “soft”. And they are only 4-1? With their loss coming to the Redskins, who are also 4-1? What is the deal?!

Alright, now listen here, because I am only going to say this once: there is currently NOTHING wrong with the Dallas Cowboys. NOTHING. Take a moment for that to sink in. The Dallas media spent the majority of the summer talking about going to the Super Bowl in February to cover the ‘Boys. Most called for everyone to just cancel the regular season all together, and give Dallas the NFC title.

Now, when Phillips isn’t trashing his players after a less-than-godlike past two weeks “like Jimmy would have done”, or Romo isn’t depressed after a win in which he didn’t throw 4 TDs, the media claims the Cowboys to be in a downward spiral.So this is your fault and yours alone, media. The problems you see are of your own cause.

The Cowboy players know they have the talent to be the best, and their goal is to win the Super Bowl, but whose isn’t? If I was a GM, and my head coach or quarterback “just wanted to win a game or have fun” they would be fired. Every team’s goal is to win the Super Bowl, and if you think you can’t, you won’t.

And look, media fellas, this isn’t college football. There are no polls or rankings that decide anything, and ESPN’s Power Rankings mean squat. A win is a win. Who cares if its pretty? Dallas got the W against the Bengals, thats all that matters. Move on. If the Cowboys win the rest of their games, 15-14 in each game, haven’t they won the Super Bowl? Yep.

But thats the problem with Dallas and the Cowboys. Winning games isn’t enough for the media. It has to be crushing wins with dazzling efforts and amazing stats. Thats wrong. A win against ANY team in the NFL is good by me. Yes, the efforts may be less to beat the Bengals then, say, the Giants, but a win is a win, especially coming off a troubling loss. And once you are past that win, you look to the next week, to see what you need to do to get that win. Its that simple.

Look at the 2001 season. All year, the Minnesota Vikings crushed teams with an offensive explosion, they dominated the stats and were all over the media. But then they got basically skunked by the Giants in the NFC championship game, and the Baltimore Ravens did what they had to do to win the Super Bowl.

Stop attacking Phillips and Romo and TO, who have all performed thus far. TO is still incredible, even if he pops his mouth off or cries; Romo is averaging over 250 yards a game, and Wade has the Cowboys at 4-1. Good stuff.

If you want to gripe, get on Wade, who is supposed to be this defensive genius, for how incredibly poor the defense has played! But people don’t want to talk about that. Write columns about how poor Terence Newman has played, or how Pacman Jones is thus far worth about 1/50 of that contract he signed or how worthless Roy Williams still is (and the funny thing is, media and radio guys in the area spend a good amount of time defending how far Roy has come along “as a person accepting his role).

I like this quote from Dallas linebacker Brady James after the game: “This is the NFL. You don’t apologize for winning. We stay focused on the main thing. The main thing is to win the game.”

Thats so true, especially now when the Cowboys aren’t meeting media expectations. OK, so the past two weeks haven’t been the best efforts, but its just appalling to me to criticize a coach that, after a loss, came out and got his team a win the next week. Isn’t that the goal after a loss? Isn’t that the goal every week? Sure, nobody wants to loose, but only one team has ever been perfect, and its NOT the 2007 Patriots. True, last week’s effort against the Bengals will not beat the Giants, but guess what? —they weren’t playing the Giants, they played the Bengals, and they won.

Talk all you want about Patrick Crayton’s “lucky” touchdown catch late in the game, but “luck” happens every week for almost every team, and its part of winning.

This Sunday the Cowboys head to Arizona for a tough road game against the Cardinals. Ask any fan if they would take a win, regardless of score, and they would scream YES! If Dallas wins in Arizona, then Phillips, Romo and TO did their jobs. Its that simple

Today Major League Baseball attempts to do something I’ve been praying for for the past three months: end their regular season. But wait, ye gods you fools! after 162 grueling games (more grueling for the fans and media than the players, who regularly take games/weeks off from the tiring 9-inning stand-around-athon) you mean to tell me we are right back where we started in the AL Central, the division that just wouldn’t give it a damn rest?!?!

It’s bad enough the brainless gods of the MLB put us through a month or so of agonizing spring training coverage, followed by a hot summer and fall of stagnant, pointless baseball. Bud Selig ought to be strung up by his ankles and beaten senseless by rabid and drunk fans!! Here in Texas, the summer “ball” was so stagnant the stench caused us all to blanch. Only a sport in utter chaos could have a team win something like 12 of 15 late in the season (the Houston Astros) and still not be close to a playoff berth! Where is the reward?! Where is the excitement?!? Who really cares?!

Now, in late September, when any right-minded man whose testicles aren’t in a bunch should be fully engrossed and intoxicated by professional and college football, is forced to tolerate a nauseating amount of worthless baseball coverage. And, as pure testament to the horrors of the long-winded baseball players, witness the final two teams that refuse to let the season die: The Chicago White Sox and the Minnesota Twins.

Could ever two sports franchises be less relevant?!? While fans run wild and naked through the streets of Chicago, drunk on the latest Bears’ win over the Eagles, or the Cubs dominance, where are the White Sox? They are left alone, pissing in south Chicago, with the poor and dejected.

And what of the Minnesota Twins? Viking fans know nothing of this pathetic team, besides the shared stadium. The Purple People Eaters are known for their dangerous behavior during and after games — the best kind for wild riots in the street of Minneapolis after a win, or a loss — and care little for the grueling heat of summer baseball. Besides, even a Norseman cannot possible drink his way through 162 games! Ye gods, that would be madness!!

Today the White Sox face off in a make-up game with the Detroit Tigers, another team lost in the midst of the Detroit Pistons and Michigan Wolverines, and they will undoubtedly win, carried on the shoulders of someone like Ken Griffey Jr, one of the only true heroes left in baseball. Then they will take on the Twins, win again, and the city of Chicago will plug along all the while, caring not for the plight of this semi-retarded, step-sister franchise.

I beg you, put a stop to this insanity. Throw the entire lot of baseball teams, owners and beat writers into the fiery pits of hell so they may suffer so the pain they put the public through ever February — October. Baseball rudely interrupts both the NBA playoffs and the first 6 weeks of the NFL, raping fans with pointless, 7-game series and 5-hour games.

Currently, as of about 3 p.m. on Sept. 29, the White Sox/Tigers game is suspended for rain. Curse you baseball, always finding a way to seem more important than you really are!

Paul Azinger and Team USA must be having the time of their lives right now. Winning the Ryder Cup, and in dominating fashion 16 1/2 — 11 1/2. Considering they haven’t won Ye Ole Cup since 1999, and that was more dumb luck than actual skill, the win this week was all the more amazing. And with 6 rooks on the team to boot! I was reading Rick Reilly’s column last week on the 14 1/2 reasons why the Americans were to be victorious, and I believe I have, in response, the 16 1/2 [ah, see what I did there?] reasons as to why they won.

1. Sick props have to go to Paul Azinger first and foremost. Switching the alternate-shot format to Friday morning instead of best-ball, in which the Europeans usually beat USA like Keith Moon’s drum kit, was pure genius. The Americans jumped out to a 3-1 lead and never looked back.

1 1/2. The course looked more like a junior high practice course than Valhalla…it was long and over grown; perfect for American golf and not that sissy English stuff.

2. The “Frosted-Tip” Effect. I want to introduce my “frosted tip theory” to team Drives-On-The-Wrong-Side. Europeans are supposed to be fashionably way ahead of the curve, especially compared to the U.S., and yet only Ian Poulter had those cool frosted tips sticking out under his cap! He went 4-0-1, so what does that tell you Captain Faldo? Looks like you lads should have spent a little more time at the salon and less on the golf course.

3. Colin Montomerie. Not picking Colin Montgomerie was a huge blunder by Faldo — only King George hated America as much as Monty — but I want to take it a step further: half of the European team was from outside Great Britain, and four from outside the UK! Long gone are the days when Seve was the only outsider as the rest of the team drank tea w/o their pinky finger and ate krumpets. Now you have Sergio and Miguel Angel Jimenez talking about pony tails in Spanish while Irishman Padrig Harrington rambles on in some strange jargon that guys like Brit Lee Westwood can only fake understanding. Not the most cohesive group.

4. Tiger who? And now, a poem — Tiger, Tiger, burning bright, where art thou, during this fight? No Tiger Woods = no one for the Americans to pee their pants around and no one for the Euros to dance and Irsh [apparently] jigg about when beating. How can you get pumped up to beat someone with only letters for their first name, al la J.B. Holmes, or a hick with two first names, Kenny Perry? Plus, with Phil Mickelson no longer shaking in his clown-sized shoes, he was free to actually play well.

5. Hunter “Magic Ma(n)”han. Mahan is living proof that no body cares a rat’s butt what comes out of you mouth, as jaw-dropping and idiotic as it may be, as long as you come through in the clutch. Plus, I just loved that dance/fists pump he did on 17 on Sunday after sinking that 45-foot putt. It was even better than the “Rich Beem” circa 2002.

6. The water on 18. Did any American NOT hit into that hazard? Kenny Perry, with his power draw, hit a power-push into the drink, and then J.B. Holmes, who shapes the ball the exact opposite way, shaped his ball into it’s watery grave. Mahan, a straight hitter…straight into the aqua diablo. BUT, that risk on 18 inspired most of the team to beat their opponents before the match got that far.

7. Kentucky Bourbon. I wasn’t at Valhalla, but I’ll bet that by about 10:45 each morning, more bourbon was being sold than water, creating a VERY rowdy pro-American crowd. One guy jumped out in front of Lee Westwood during his match against Boo Weekley in a white sheet screaming “booooooo”! Is it possible to get second-hand drunk?

8. The weather. Reilly called it in his prediction column, the weather would be perfect and the Euros would struggle. I’m sorry Justin Rose, you just can’t wear a beanie and a ski jacket on the golf course in Kentucky in September. Why do you think Brits struggle to win the U.S. Open? On that same token, why do you think Americans don’t want to play golf, or live, for that matter, in Britain?

9. The “re-invented” Nick Faldo. This lighter, carefree Faldo is not working for me. Azinger made it no secret of what he thought of Nick, and kept at his throat all year while Faldo stood back, grinning like the British version of the Fonz.

10. The left foot of J.B Holmes. Have you seen this guy swing?? Saying he doesn’t hold anything back is like calling Charles Manson simply “crazy.” I think Holmes’ left ankle almost touches the ground when he follows through…the outside of that foot has to be made of moon rocks or something. Good thing it held up, because Holmes was pivotal in the US win.

11. The USA golf bags. Apparently these things were so powerful, they deserved a 4-minute feature segment with a Jimmy Roberts voice-over all to themselves. I don’t know if I buy all of that, but I do believe that pride was a huge factor over the weekend.

12. Thank God for Anthony Kim. The Ryder Cup rookie who looked to be literally 1/2 Mickelson’s size was able to loosen the lefty up enough to be successful AND he looked absolutely smashing doing so, with his hip no-pleats pants and the glaringly large belt buckles…I think he played some good golf too…

13. The USA wardrobe. This one is two-fold. First off, they squad looked nice, but didn’t stand out, which is a good thing. Second, and more important, Ben Curtis actually had something to wear. Usually clothed as a public billboard for the home state’s football team, what would Curtis have worn in Kentucky? Painted a big blue UK on his chest and gone all-natural? Lets hope so.

14. Putting. This one is so simple even a caveman could figure it out (thatstatementisaregisteredtrademarkofGeicoinc.) Here it is: USA putting 2002-2006, bad. Ryder Cup gone. USA putting 2008, good. Ryder Cup come back.

15. Boo Weekley. You know we were going to get to him, but these last two are devoted to Boo Weekley. The rookie from podunk-town Florida played like a star the entire time, all the while talking like Boomhauer from King of the Hill. I’m still not sure Boo even knows the rules of match play, or really what exactly the Ryder Cup is, but who cares!?! He was great.

16. The final reason has to be Boo Weekley’s Happy-Gilmore-like “bull dance” down the first fairway. Ever seen a 215+ lbs. man ride his driver like a drunken steed off the No. 1 tee box on Sunday of a professional golf tournament? No? Then you haven’t lived. Watching Boo come off the first tee was like watching lawn mower racing. You laugh at first because it looks stupid and funny and can’t be serious, but then you do a double take when you realize its totally real and really getting a great reaction.

September 24, 2008

MILWALKEE — As Brewers’ first baseman Prince Fielder trotted around third base after his walk-off home run to beat the Pirates in the bottom of the 9th inning, he quickly lifted his shirt up to un-tuck it, revealing his jelly-like belly to a small section of the crowd and causing quite a commotion.

His corpulent midsection caused one fan in particular some serious problems.

“My six-year-old son Billy had a grand mal seizure right there in the [expletive] stands!!” said disgruntled fan Stan Watherton, father of little Billy Watherton. “When that fatty lifted his shirt up, Billy just kinda jerked his popcorn over his head and fell to the ground.”

Some fans even began booing, one fan shouted “You are FAT!” and many of the Pirate players were forced to cover their eyes. Even the announcers on SportsCenter the morning after found nothing witty to say, instead opting for only a strained “oh sweet jesus.”

In response to our allegations that Fielder’s gut is a secret WMD, he growled,
“C is for Cookie,” and then took a bite out of our microphone.

After being trounced in week 1 when my opponent scored 131 points — of course ATL running back Michael Turner had to go off for 220 yards and two TD — I squeaked out a win in week 2, 123-117. I’d like to offer a personal thank you-note/fruit basket to Tony Romo for his brilliant/moronic fumble in the endzone on Monday night against the Eagles…Philly recovers and I get 8 points. Championship!

So, I’ve got some encouraging words for some of my starters in Week 3. Pray they listen lest they suffer the wrath of my harsh verbal abuse.

49ers RB Frank Gore — Frankie Frankie Frankie…may I call you Frankie? No? Oh, ok, well, you’re playing against the Lions this weekend, and the Lion’s defense sucks so bad Christopher Reeves could rush for over 100 yards against them. You were a dud for me last week, this week, go forth and run like a wild man.

Rams WR Tory Holt — Sweet god man, where the hell have you been? I saw that TD catch you had last week, and that was nothing to celebrate about. That wasn’t a good catch, it was a pity gift from God himself. You need to kick Marc Bulger’s butt until he throws you the ball. I don’t even know the names of the guys that are catching the ball instead of you, but it makes me unhappy!

Jets WR Jerricho Cotchery — See Tory Holt above. And stop getting pass interference penalties on 40+ yard catches. Also, work on that first name. Way to hard to spell…just ridiculous.

Bengal’s QB Carson Palmer — I know it’s not your fault; you play for quite possibly the worst all-around team in the NFL, but you cause me more pain then please. You’re riding the pine pony for me now, don’t expect to be on my roster for too long.
Look for my ranting post filled with either jubilation or utter disappointment on Tuesday.

Baylor Bears

The Baylor Bears were finally going to have a game on TV that wasn’t a random Thursday night or a woman’s basketball game. Saturday against Washington State the suck was going to hit the fan as TV watchers had to suffer even seeing this pathetic excuse for a women’s cross country match on TV. Thank God for Hurricane Ike (well, except for the death and destruction and those displaced from their homes), forcing to move the Bears up to Friday night. Now the only people that will see the game are the 1,000 or so that drunkenly stumble into the stadium on accident.

Texas Tech Red Raiders

I know that Tech’s mascot is the Red Raiders, and that may have some loose association with a pirate, if you are just drunk enough, but this is ridiculous…Good luck to Harrell and Crabtree running that spread offense…I’m not sure any of them can swim (no, thats not a racist joke)

Kansas Jayhawks

The Boys in Royal Blue travel to South Florida Friday night for their an extremely tough non-conference test after a slew of cream-puff (don’t get excited Mangino). I wish KU well, but I just don’t believe they come back to the midwest with a win. The last time they faced a ranked team NOT from the ACC, Missouri, they got their butts surgically removed and handed back to them in a nice gift bag.

Why do you torment me so? What is it that I, a humble individual living on a modest salary, penning words of wisdom for the masses, did to you that you feel vindicated in torturing me so in your Week 1 performance? What was it, my broken-nosed God of the pigskin, that caused you to take a metaphorical dump on the field on Sunday, throwing for less than 100 yards and racking up a dismal 4.5 points for me, damning my team to almost certain death and Week 1 floggery?

I implore you, oh Monster of the Gridiron, to disregard the blatantly moronic “Ocho Cinco” on the back of Chad Johnson’s jersey and see him for what he is: merely a vessel in which for you to deliver sweet sweet touch down greatness. Forget that those to which you throw to have rap-sheets longer than TJ’s surname, for what they do is meant for good, and in mine eyes, touchdowns are touchdowns.

Rake me not over the coals of mediocrity; send me no longer into a spiral of primal rage over your miserable failures; deliver me into the hands of victory or to the bench thou shalt be banished.

Sincerly,

A devoted, yet disappointed, fantasy football fan.