OPINION COLUMNS

Christmas unwrapped: Paper gets frosty reception from Mrs. Claus

By Brian Knox | Published Saturday, December 15, 2018
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Mid-December means one thing around the Messenger newsroom: it’s third grade Christmas essay time.

We had a lot of great essays submitted this year answering a variety of Christmas-related questions. Many of the kids chose to write about Mrs. Claus, who can often go overlooked by her world-famous husband.

Brian Knox

The Messenger was able to secure an exclusive interview with Mrs. Claus so that we could ask her about these essays.

Messenger: Mrs. Claus, many local third graders said they’d like to spend the day with you. What were your favorite activity suggestions?

Mrs. Claus: I did enjoy the pedicure suggestions. It’s always nice to treat yourself once in a while. One child guessed my favorite nail polish color was purple, but it’s actually dark white.

Mess: Dark white?

MC: Yes. Well, with all the snow we get up here at the North Pole, you tend to notice the different shades of white.

Mess: OK. Well, one other suggestion was playing a game of chess. I was told you can even beat Santa and all the elves. Is that true?

MC: Check and mate. The elves always think they can top me, but they always come up short. Oops, I probably shouldn’t say that. They are quite sensitive about the height thing.

Mess: Moving on, I wanted to get your thoughts on the many suggestions the children gave for gifts FOR Santa. Did you see any gift ideas that caught your fancy?

MC: I certainly enjoyed the suggestion of giving Santa $1 million to take us on a vacation. It would be nice to visit warmer climates.

Mess: One child suggested you weren’t happy that Santa was given a Cadillac as a gift and you didn’t get a gift, at least initially. So the child suggested giving you a Subaru. Care to comment?

MC: (Scoffs) Well, Nick’s already got an 8-tiny-reindeer-powered sleigh. Why should he have a second vehicle when I don’t have one? Besides, the Subaru has the highest safety rating for dashing through the snow. Did I mention we have A LOT of snow up here?

Mess: One of the questions kids were asked dealt with how Santa would get around on Christmas Eve if his reindeer were unable to fly. We read one story about Santa trying the magic jingle bells on the reindeer and something about candy bars?

MC: Yes, and none of it worked, so I finally told Nick to just take the magical plane. But I told him specifically not to crash it.

Mess: And what happened?

MC: Christmas was saved!

Mess: Anything else?

MC: Nick crashed the plane.

Mess: Ouch. Maybe he should have gone with other third grader suggestions on what could be used to pull the sleigh: tigers, wolves, bats, eagles, flying dinosaurs, dragons, bunnies, magical swans or pigs with wings.

MC: Ha! Pigs with wings? I’ll believe that when pigs fl…

Mess: Let’s cut to the chase: Does Santa have a flying boat made out of cookies that can deliver presents in two hours or not?

MC: Fake news! That’s a rumor the Keebler elves started when they got mad our North Pole elves were getting more attention than they were. This happens every December. Elves are such a sensitive bunch.

Mess: Finally, we heard a third grader wanted to give Santa a gigantic box of pills to make him younger, and other students suggested items such as a home gym and dumbbells for getting fit. Does Santa have a health issue we need to know about?

MC: Nick is the healthiest individual to ever be Santa. Period.

Mess: (Singing to the tune of Silver Bells:) Dumbdumb bells, dumbdumb bells. It’s workout time for the Santa.

MC: I hope you enjoy your stocking full of coal on Christmas morning.

Mess: Thanks for being so open and honest with us, Mrs. C. Hopefully we can visit again at a future Christmas season.

MC: Could I make one last gift suggestion for Santa? A snow plow. Please, we have so much snow. (starts to wander off, singing:) I’m dreaming of a warm Christmas…

Be sure to check out more local third grade Christmas essay content in the Wise County Messenger’s Holiday Greetings special section in Wednesday’s All Around Wise. Brian Knox is the special projects manager.

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