Tier one braggart

By Racey Burden | Published Saturday, October 21, 2017

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A little known fact about the newsroom at the Messenger – we keep a running list of brags everyone in the office makes.

I think it started as a joke stolen from The Ticket, a sports radio talk show it seems like everyone other than me listens to, but it’s developed into a thing of its own. I keep track of the list – any time anyone says something pretentious or boastful, the newsroom staff will say, “That goes on the brag montage list,” and I write it down.

Racey Burden

Not everyone has brags – Brian doesn’t really brag ever. Neither does Joy or Kristen. Mack Thweatt, who comes in to help edit pages, thinks he could complete a pass on the Cowboys’ defense, and it might not be a brag if it could happen. Richard Greene, our sports editor, has a few on his list – he could pick a Canadian out of police line-up, for whatever that’s worth – but we actually keep a separate list of self-deprecating comments for him.

My list is probably the second longest at about half a page. The others in the newsroom have decided it’s bragging to say, “I go to Subway so often I know the meat count on every sandwich,” but I think it’s maybe more sad.

But David – David has amassed a total of four pages worth of brags. He adds at least one per week. Some days we get more than one per day. David’s brag montage is so popular in the office I occasionally get requests to read them all out loud so we can laugh at him.

Since David is leaving us this week, it’s only fitting I publish the best of the brags in memory of the nearly two years we worked together. I also decided to try and fact check them, just for accuracy’s sake.

Without further ado, the Best of Brags from David Talley, former Messenger reporter:

  • “I could talk about my teeth all day.” I can affirm this is true. Several other brags on the list are about David’s teeth.
  • “I can see a bicycle and know exactly what type of person rides it.” Probably true. David knows a lot about bikes.
  • “I can play ‘In the Mood’ on my trombone.” Unverified. And weird.
  • “I don’t see myself as easily susceptible to goat attacks.” False and foolish. We are all susceptible to goat attacks.
  • “I could outrun alligators and crocodiles.” I actually googled the speed of these animals – average of 7 to 8 miles per hour for alligators, though they can reach 25 miles per hour, and crocodiles can run 11 miles per hour. The maximum speed of a sprinting human is around 20 miles per hour, and around 10 miles per hour is normal over a short distance. So, debatable.
  • “I weighed less than most dogs.” He was talking about his childhood. I would say true because David is very skinny and always has been, but a lot of dogs are really tiny. So it’s probably false.
  • “I’m not good with natural disasters, but I can guess most technological advances.” False. He didn’t know about the iPhone X.
  • “I like to think I could put out most fires with a water hose.” False.
  • “I haven’t turned off the fan in my room since 1996.” Unverified, but probably true.
  • “You would be surprised how many people asked me to be their waiter at Olive Garden.” True. I’d be surprised if one person asked. (Just kidding, David).
  • “I used to wear my swim medals into Subway.” I would not be surprised at all if this was true.
  • “I’ve never been to anything with the word ‘festival’ in the title.” I don’t believe this one. I’m calling false.
  • “I’m the Keurig whisperer. I know all of its murmurings.” I don’t think the office Keurig has ever broken, so I guess true?
  • “I don’t fool with generic peanut butter.” I know this to be true. No one is a bigger peanut butter snob.
  • “I’m the healthiest person I know. I’m the healthiest person in this room. I’m gonna live to be 100.” First of all, that was rude. Second, probably true. Except for the living to be 100 part. Who could possibly know that?
  • “I am right about 90 percent of things, but no one ever listens to me.” Because you’re not right about 90 percent of things, David. False!
  • “If you’d studied dragons as much as I have, you’d know they’re remarkably similar.” I think he was talking about lizards, but I don’t remember the exact context to judge this one. I just love it so much, I’m including it.
  • And my personal favorite, “I’m going to be honest with you, I feel like I could climb Mt. Everest pretty easily.” Yes, he was serious. No, there’s no way this is true.

David, we’re going to miss you, buddy. You always made the office more interesting and lively, and I personally enjoyed having a friend my own age to distract me from my work all the time. And of course, no one else can brag like you can.

Let me end with a few more brags from David, bragging about his brags. Brag inception:

  • “I have more brags than anyone.” True.
  • “I just want you to know this started before Trump. I was already a bragger. He stole that from me.” Probably false.
  • “These are tier one brags.” True. Always true.

Racey Burden is a Messenger reporter. She has sat next to David in the newsroom for two years.

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