OPINION COLUMNS

We don’t need no DVR (just Twitter)

By Racey Burden | Published Wednesday, May 25, 2016
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I don’t watch “Game of Thrones,” but honestly, I feel like I do.

Racey Burden

Racey Burden

Thanks to the World Wide Web (but mostly Twitter), it’s fairly easy for me to keep up with all sorts of television that I don’t even watch. Listen, I can explain the basic plot of most movies and shows that I haven’t seen just through what the Internet has taught me.

“GAME OF THRONES”:

So much nudity and murder. The boy-king everyone hates is finally dead, and so is Sean Bean, but Sean Bean always dies so no one is surprised. Jon Snow is alive, and he’s Game of Thrones Jesus. Everyone loves Dragon Lady because she is a) hot, b) hardcore and c) has dragons. Peter Dinklage punches the boy-king everyone hates, and that might be the most popular gif of our time. George R.R. Martin would kill his readers if he could. He really likes to kill people. Ice zombies?

“BATMAN V. SUPERMAN”:

Ben Stiller and Henry Cavill grunt at each other a lot! Then they fight but ultimately realize they’re on the same team! Batman’s new suit is like an armored tank! Someone seriously miscast Jesse Einsenberg as Lex Luthor. Superwoman was probably the best part of the movie, which overall was pretty terrible.

“THE BACHELORETTE” (current season):

JoJo is likable but has questionable judgment for agreeing to be on this God-forsaken show again. Why is that guy dressed as Santa? Does he know Santa is for children? These people will all drink too much champagne and tell too many personal stories. One of the men is probably a single dad who will use his kid to get his 15 minutes of fame. Jake Pavelka came back because he apparently forgot everyone hates him now.

“FIGHT CLUB”:

This movie is old, but there’s a certain type of male (and you know exactly who I mean) who still worships it and talks about it regularly. The first rule of fight club is we don’t talk about it, but everyone talks about it anyway – and everyone overuses that quote in their own dumb jokes. The men in this movie could have probably found a better way to work through their excess testosterone. Brad Pitt and Edward Norton are the same person! (Don’t even begin to say I spoiled that for you – I haven’t seen this movie, but everyone knows that, the same way everyone knows Bruce Willis was dead all along in “The Sixth Sense.”)

“SCANDAL”:

Kerry Washington is a beast. She runs the world, just like Beyonc . I think she’s having an affair with the president, but now everyone knows and it’s not an affair anymore? And the president’s ex-wife is running for president, too? Gladiators! Let’s all drink wine and eat popcorn because that’s what Kerry’s character does when she’s not fixing everyone’s first-world problems!

“DAREDEVIL” (season two, because I have seen season one):

Matt Murdock continues to “not murder” people by shoving them down stairs and out windows instead. Foggy is angry at Matt for fighting crime in a silly costume and not being a good best friend. Karen and the Punisher have a weird thing. But he’s a bad guy? Maybe? Vaguely? Elektra is in this one, too. Claire Temple continues to be a saint and puts up with way more than she should. Matt is probably still Catholic and going to confession after he accidentally puts every bad guy he faces into a coma.

“MAKING A MURDERER”:

He’s guilty! He’s not guilty! No one who watches this show and then tweets about it actually has any experience with criminal justice! We’re all couch detectives!

The internet really is a wondrous place, full of tons of information. How accurate is all of it? Eh. That’s up to you to decide. I will continue to vicariously experience pop culture through everyone else’s social media sound bites and leave it to someone who cares more to debate whether we should trust less of what we read online.

Racey Burden is a Messenger reporter.

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