OPINION COLUMNS

Stick with the basics, snow cone peddlers

By Racey Burden | Published Saturday, August 6, 2016
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Racey Pickle

Racey Burden

Messenger reporters Racey Burden and David Talley went on a quest to sample the most exotic snow cone flavors they could find. Below are the results of their taste tests.

It’s important that you know that I don’t totally hate pickles or even pickle juice.

But I’ve discovered I despise dill pickle-flavored snow cones.

I just feel like that’s common sense. Snow cones are supposed to be sweet. Dill pickle snow cones aren’t sweet. They aren’t even sour. It’s like the taste bud equivalent of stubbing your toe. You feel shock, then horror and pain.

In our quest to find the weirdest snow cones at some of the Decatur stands, David Talley and I could both agree that dill pickle is the most disgusting flavor.

If you like it, I only have one question – what is wrong with you?

Brown cow was the second worst/weirdest (the trial here was supposed to be weirdest flavor, but we ended up mostly talking about how good or bad the snow cones tasted). In the same way that I like pickles, I also like chocolate – just apparently not as a snow cone flavor.

Brown cow is basically just chocolate milk poured over ice. Milk, in this heat, is a bad idea by itself. But poured over ice? We could barely stomach eating it. While David had forced himself through enough of the dill pickle to feel sick, he’d learned his lesson by brown cow and only took a bite or two. I think I had one bite. We let the rest of it melt onto the picnic table. Just looking at it made my stomach turn. Negative stars, brown cow. Rot in the garbage like you deserve.

These two flavors served to remind me of the folly of humanity – sometimes we really stretch our limits, and then we pay the price. Who thought pickles and chocolate milk would make good snow cone flavors? A mad man. That’s who.

Everything else we tried I could basically describe with one word – meh. Honeysuckle was sweet but uninspiring, dinosaur tasted exactly like black cherry so I’m not sure why it was called dinosaur, and Napoleon Dynamite, while winning coolest name, was overall forgettable. I think maybe there was coconut in it? I’m not sure.

Don’t be dissuaded from visiting snow cone stands just because of this article – the stands we went to all had tasty, normal flavors. That’s not the point of this experiment. The point of this experiment is to tell you to never, ever choose dill pickle from any snow cone stand, ever. Trust the media on this one, folks.

Racey Burden is a Messenger reporter. Her favorite snow cone flavor is wedding cake. It’s sweet, like snow cones should be.

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