OPINION COLUMNS

Read the reviews before you date

By Racey Burden | Published Saturday, April 16, 2016
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I became single in the fall after a long-term relationship, and one of the first things I’ve noticed about being single is that so many middle aged people, even those I don’t really know, want to set me up with someone.

Racey Burden

Racey Burden

It’s sort of flattering, because on one hand, they obviously think I’m a nice person and would like me to date whatever random relative or friend they have that is also single. On the other hand, I think I’m capable of deciding who I want to date on my own, and I don’t really like the general implication that everyone who is single wants to be in a relationship (because at this point, I personally really enjoy being single).

But people love to play matchmaker, myself included. I suspect as long as I remain unattached, there will always be a well-intentioned wannabe cupid trying to set me up with their nephew/cousin/son/cool neighbor/favorite coach (that one was actually my brother’s suggestion).

I’ve decided to make their lives easier by compiling a list of reviews of me as a person to present to any possible future paramours of Racey Burden (note: these are all things that have been directly said about me, maybe slightly reworded for conciseness):

  • “My messiest child.” – my mother, upon walking into any room I’ve ever lived in
  • “[She’s] going to kill us both!” – my father, while teaching me how to fly (did I mention I’m a student pilot? Yeah, I’m cool, random guy.)
  • “Has more books than friends.” – my sister
  • “Racey may never be sick, but she never has a smile on her face.” – my brother, circa 2009
  • “Rather feminist; extremely smart. Also a dope sister-mom.” – my brother, circa now, after I bring him Whataburger when no one else will (I’m legitimately happy with this assessment – and see, I’m nurturing!)
  • “Not naturally nurturing.” – my mother (so never mind that)
  • “She could pretend like she likes me sometimes.” – one of my ex-boyfriends
  • “Her short stories are very morbid.” – my third grade teacher
  • “TBH, idk u vry well, but ur cool.” – someone commenting on my Facebook wall circa 2010
  • “I know that I’m unworthy in [her] eyes.” – a lyric from a song that was written about me by a guy with a random crush, titled “Your Eyes” (I’m not even making this up)
  • “Her eyes are just brown.” – a friend of mine, after hearing the song mentioned above
  • “The worst mom ever.” – my best friend, after I tried to give up my role as everyone’s responsible mom-friend (ah, another point against nurturing!)
  • “Should be married by now.” – a four-year-old I used to babysit
  • “Bracey?” – the barista at Starbucks
  • “I’ve locked my keys inside my car at least seven times.” – me (that’s a talent, y’all)
  • “Beautiful.” – my grandma (who is not biased)

So there you have it, gentlemen. Line up to date me. I’m a catch.

Racey Burden is a Messenger reporter. If she had to give a review of herself, she would say “10/10, super humble.”

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