MOVIE MAN

Simply ‘1’ of the worst movies ever

By Movie Man | Published Wednesday, July 1, 2015

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The seemingly impossible has occurred: A worse movie than “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” (Movie Man No. 1136, 3) has arrived.

“Ted 2” is awful – so horrible that it goes down as one of the all-time terrible movies in the history of cinema.

ABOUT THE FILM

The Movie Man isn’t one to give out many 1s. It is far and away the number readers are least likely to see. (Well, there has never been nor will there ever be a 10 – only Movie Wife merits that high cotton rating.)

This is Movie Man No. 1,146 and “Ted 2” is only the fifth 1, dating back to 1993. It shares 1-company with the awful “Bio-Dome” (1995), “Big Momma’s House 2” (2006), “Date Movie” (2006) and “Delta Farce” (2007).

Now eight years later, we’re hit with “Ted 2.” Most bad movies have some sort of value to edge them up to at least a 2.

Not so here.

THE PLOT (SPOILER)

Ted (voiced by director Seth McFarlane) marries human sweetheart Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth). But soon the newlyweds are feuding. Ted decides the only way to save his marriage is to have a baby, something a teddy bear can’t make happen. And after a grody misadventure at a fertility clinic, neither can best friend John (Mark Wahlberg).

So the couple decides to adopt. That’s when governmental bureaucracy discovers that Ted is not a human. A court case led by lawyer Samantha (Amanda Seyfried) ends up as a loss, and Ted is deemed to be property, not a person.

Now that Ted is just a thing, his former toy company – after a suggestion by custodian Donny (Giovanni Ribisi) – hatches a kidnapping plot after which they will try to discover why Ted became “human” so they can make a million just like him.

However, the plot is foiled and the very poor examples of parenthood get a baby.

WHAT WORKS

The Movie Man remembers chuckling one time in “Ted 2.” In the midst of the gross-out at the fertility clinic accident, there’s a Kardashian joke that’s kinda funny.

Late in the movie, a scene set during Comic-Con has some potential when a fight breaks out and sci-fi characters from different generations square off: Robbie the Robot from “Forbidden Planet” battles a Dalek from “Doctor Who” and Star Trek’s Captain Kirk tangles with Captain Picard from “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” But the poorly edited sequence just peters out.

BEST SCENE

Like most of the movie, whenever there’s a set-up with potential, it never comes off. That’s the case with tough guy Liam Neeson wondering if it’s OK for an adult to buy Trix cereal (“Trix is for kids”). Ted assures him adults can buy it.

Then the stinger (the final scene following the end credits) arrives with a staggering Neeson all beaten up and returning the mangled box of cereal back to the store.

WHAT DOESN’T WORK

Never has the Movie Man been in a movie with such a mixed audience – including McFarlane’s core followers, late teens/early 20-something males plus, surprisingly two elderly, white-haired 70-something women – that never laughed a single time.

The silence was incredible and uncomfortable. Plenty of those in attendance really wanted to laugh, coming in with high hopes (judging from the pre-show chatter). Yet every attempt at humor onscreen was an embarrassing failure.

McFarlane has the reputation of returning again and again to his same staple of jokes, and that happens here. A call-back to a previous routine is one thing, but going back over and over a topic is just unfunny.

You expect crudeness and juvenile “humor” from McFarlane, but this is sub-junior high stuff.

Especially sad for the Movie Man was seeing Patrick Warburton (“Seinfeld,” “Rules of Attraction”) humiliating himself. It was painful.

THE RATING

“Ted 2” is the hardest of Rs. The f-bombs are non-stop, and the humorless situations are often based on some sort of body fluid or reproductive organ. Over and over and over.

SUMMING UP

Raunchy can be funny (see “Blazing Saddles”), but never does “Ted 2” approach anything near that Mel Brooks classic. Unless you are 12 years old and/or think cussin’ is funny, then skip this god-awful excuse for entertainment.

NEXT UP

“Terminator Genisys”

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