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As governors go…

By Bob Buckel | Published Saturday, April 20, 2013

Hello? Is this the guv’ner’s office?

I’m sorry, what’s that?

I said is this the guv’ner’s office!

Guv – oh, you mean the governor?

Yep!

Yep? What’s that? Oh, wait a minute… Are you the guy from Texas?

Yes, ma’am! Name’s Rick – but you can call me Guv’ner!

Sure. Listen, I’m not sure Governor Quinn is going to be interested in talking. He’s pretty peeved at you.

Peeved? What for? All I did was come to Chicago and try to get some of your big companies up there to move down here to Texas.

That’s exactly why he’s peeved! Isn’t there some kind of unwritten honor code for governors? I think you broke it.

Bob Buckel

Bob Buckel

Shucks, ma’am. I did the same thing in California. We just want to make sure all your local Fortune 500 companies know about us – low taxes, wide open spaces, cheap labor and plenty of sunshine. And you can make guns here, and not only does nobody get mad at you – it cuts way back on your shipping cost because you sell most of ‘em right here!

Yes, that’s awfully nice, but I think our companies are doing just fine here in Illinois. Besides, I hear Texas isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

What do you mean?

Well, isn’t it all dusty and dry, with tumbleweeds blowing around, and it’s 500 miles to anywhere?

Seriously? You know those Clint Eastwood movies were filmed in Italy, right?

Okay, I know you have what you guys call cities – but they’re full of trashy women with big hair, and guys like J.R. who will cheat you, then shoot you, then cheat your surviving relatives.

Now wait a minute. Our women are wonderful, and there’s nothing wrong with big hair unless it looks like that thing on Blagojevich’s head. And J.R.’s a TV character! Our real oil billionaires are generous guys who endow universities and build museums and stuff.

OK, but what about all those people riding horses everywhere and shooting each other? That’s not safe.

Safe? You want to talk safe? Go walk around Chicago at night and then come visit Fort Worth or Austin, and tell me where you felt safer! And there’s a lot more Texans driving pickups than horses – and we only shoot people who shoot at us first.

Governor…

Okay. We might pop a coyote if it bothers us while we’re joggin’.

So, why do you want to come after our businesses here in Illinois? What have we done to you?

Aw, I was just bored. I’m not runnin’ for president anymore and the legislature hasn’t given me many bills to sign yet. I thought I’d go do a little recruitin’.

By the way (he, he!) how’d that president thing work out?

(silence) Are you gonna put Governor Quinn on the phone, or not? I wanna ask him if he’s kinned to that Dr. Quinn, medicine woman.

I think he’s busy.

What’s he doin’ – interviewin’ defense attorneys? I mean, isn’t it just a matter of time before he gets arrested? Isn’t that the retirement plan in Illinois? Serve a term or two, then get your own prison cell?

They’re not all crooks.

Sure, just the last few. It’s got to make your guv’ner a little nervous when the guys who preceeded him all went to jail! My predecessor went to the White House. Maybe you’ve heard of him? Bush? Dub-yah?

That couldn’t have been a very tough act to follow.

No? Fact o’ business, it was real tough! Most of the smart people went to D.C. with him. One writer said Austin was like a school that got taken over by the kids! We’re just now startin’ to get some grownups back in our state government.

So what about you, Governor? Are you one of the kids, or one of the grownups?

Hey, I’m a brainiac. I don’t know if you heard this, but I graduated from Texas A&M.

(Muttering) That explains a lot.

What’s that, missy?

Oh, nothing Guv’ner. Just… go recruit somewhere else. Try New York City.

We just might do that. Hey, did you hear whether they ever got rid of all those bedbugs?

Bob Buckel is executive editor of the Wise County Messenger.

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