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Nothing says Halloween like pet torture

By Jimmy Alford | Published Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I don’t dress up for Halloween. I’m a big fat white guy and an adult and feel I really don’t have any business dressing up for kids’ holidays … that’s what I tell myself.

Secretly, what I really want is to be that silly grownup who is a kid all the time, not just on holidays.

Jimmy Alford

So, like any good responsible adult, instead of spending time and money making or buying a costume and elaborate makeup for myself, I spent the time and money torturing my dog. I’m pretty sure Halloween is now my beagle’s least favorite holiday.

Nicole took Chloe’s side and told me I was being silly, but after seeing the pain and anguish in my eyes (obviously from not getting to dress up myself), she relented and apologized to the dog. Big beagle eyes darted back and forth nervously, to no avail. Off to the pet store we went.

Now imagine a full-grown man, full beard and deep gruff voice wearing a camo hat, boots and leading a beagle. Now imagine that same man breaking out in giggles, making his dog try on the Batman, Green Lantern, Flash, Tinkerbelle, bumblebee and pumpkin costumes. It was quite a sight, to be sure. Nicole was embarrassed, Chloe was mortified and I was shamelessly transformed into a 7-year-old girl.

Nicole finally said I had to choose, and I had to choose a girl’s costume for the female dog. Making the dog wear a Halloween costume was bad enough – I was not going to be permitted to turn her into a cross-dresser as well. We all left the store happy. Nicole and Chloe were happy for the experience to be over, and I was happy leaving because I was clutching my dog’s new Superwoman costume.

Finally, Halloween has come. Chloe gets to be a superhero for a day, and I get to briefly relive childhood, vicariously, through my dog.

I’m sure Chloe can’t wait for Nicole and I to have kids, so the burden of holiday dress-up can be passed to a different unwilling victim. I’m thinking by then Nicole will be more into the whole costume thing, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Chloe will still get to try on a few good outfits.

I don’t know why, but I’m certain she deserves it.

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