“Governor Perry? There’s a reporter from the Gazette on line four, wanting to know why you won’t reimburse the state for your security costs while you were running for POTUS.
“POTUS … you know, President of the United States. Remember? When you were campaigning against Mitt Romney and Ron Paul and Rick Santorum and …
“No sir, that wasn’t Clarence Thomas. It was Herman Cain … yes, a very nice man. But Governor, you have a phone call on … Yes, sir, I understand. We didn’t like those debates, either. No sir. Not fair. All those questions. But the reporter on line four just has one question. He wants to know about campaign funds.
“No, the campaign was not fun. Not fun at all. But we’re talking about funds, sir, funds. Money. The question? It’s something along the lines of, why won’t you release some of your campaign funds to help pay for your security while you were running for, uh, you know … president?
“Yes, sir, I understand President Obama has to go. No, health care is not for everybody … well, perhaps ‘acquired taste’ is a little strong, but there’s no question that it does take a while to get used to regular medical care. Of course. People just up and going to the doctor all the time, it would be chaos. You’re absolutely right. Now about these presidential campaign funds …
“Of course you can keep your guns, sir. I agree. There’s no telling what may jump out at you while you’re jogging through the woods … But sir, the phone … What? Your phone was packed up when you moved out of the Mansion? You never found it? But sir, that was three years ago. How have you …
“I understand, sir. It is a rough neighborhood, but the Mansion is much nicer now. I think you’ll like it. Sir? Oh, yes, there’s 24-hour security. You’ll be quite safe, sleeping there. And speaking of security …
“No, sir, they never caught the guy who set the fire … well, video enhancement in the real world doesn’t work exactly like it does on ‘CSI.’ That’s fiction, sir. And speaking of fiction – that reporter who wanted to know about your campaign funds? What shall I tell him, sir? He’s been holding quite a while.
“The question? I believe he just wants to know why, since you raised over $20 million to run for president, the taxpayers of Texas have to pay $3.7 million for the security the Department of Public Safety provided while you were …
“Yes, sir. Those troopers are good boys. Better security than the president gets, especially what with all that hanky-panky going on every time he goes abroad. I agree, sir.
“Yes, sir, hanky-panky is a terrible thing. No, sir … never a whiff about you. John Edwards? Yes, a sobering lesson. Well, campaign funds were certainly part of the problem … Yes, sir, he’s a fine-looking man. Hair? Oh, yes, good hair … no sir, not even in your league.
“A Gubernatorial Library? I’m not, uh, sure that’s allowed with leftover campaign funds. And, uh, I’m not sure governors do that sort of thing, sir. More of a presidential thing. I know. Sorry I brought it back up, sir. Yes, still a fresh wound, I understand – but please, sir, what do you want me to tell the Gazette? Three things? Right, sir.
“One? OK. There’s not enough left in the presidential kitty to even make a dent in that bill? Got it! Next?
“Two? OK. There’s plenty in the governor kitty, but you might still need it if you decide to keep on running for governor forever? Or if you can build that library? Absolutely, sir.
“And that third thing? Governor? Governor? Hello?
“Oh, never mind, sir. He hung up. I’ll just … what’s that?
“Yes, sir, I agree. Governor Kitty would be a really cool name for a band.”